Closure

Dear Kind Soul:

You deserve peace. You deserve gentleness in your world. It will come from within you.

The time to shake off the unenlightened has passed. Now is the time to pick them up again, for you have gained your strength again by distancing yourself.

Overall, this is a time for closure and completion to begin. You shall clean your heart in preparation for its worthy Resident.

To start, you must intend to go through the process with commitment and joy.

Then you affirm that you are kind and open and giving. Then, I suggest, you must write. Write letters. Communicate to seek closure with people. Worry not about the outcomes, do your bit. In seeking closure with situations, take quiet time out. Rest your attention on the matter, and ask yourself for a resolution. It will come, simply because it's meant to.

As for that which you cannot handle, seek closure through Allah. Do your bit.

It's important to tie the knots now in order to move on. The Universe needs to come together, so it will boldly conspire in your favor. Actually, may be it's you who are conspiring in the Universe's favor. Do so by submitting to the Design, and to help any other soul that seeks closure through you.

Arrive at where those who choose to arrive must arrive!

I'm a Lover. This is My Way.

Dear Prophecy

Allah's Design is astounding. To come here you had to close your heart. It is uncharacteristic of you, but it was required to get you moving on from a certain stage. Love, my dear, is by principle open. To draw nearer, open up your heart. Again. Be vulnerable. Enjoy this. You have forgiven. That is a state of ego.

Now seek forgiveness! Can you reach out to those who you must connect with? Can you shed your identity and your involvements behind? Can you, instead, just be truly human? Can you extend your right hand in cooperation and in love?

Can you lose your sight and see through Allah's Eyes? Can you quieten your inner voice and hear through Allah's Ears? Can you drop your arm and work through Allah's Hand? Can you stop your footsteps and walk with Allah's Feet?

You can. You will. For from here onwards, this is the Way to Reach Love! Give love. Seek to connect. Drop your residual agenda. Submit to Allah. Live through Hu.

(Written on August 24th, 2008 in my diary, as an inspiration hit me.)

Thus Began My Journal: November 2005

It is time that my memoirs are shared, for on my Path I went through a valley that I crossed eventually, only to witness others struggling in it, after. It is the Valley of Darkness, for those who re-enter the Path through the side lanes of sin. Perhaps, my words will show light to those who need it.

***

One night in November 2005, as I lay near oblivious of my existence in my self-imposed solitary confinement in my room, wondering what was a soul like mine - so clear thus far, so fair, so faithful and patient with her own flaws - doing in a situation like this, I cried to Allah from the depths. Through illness, through heart break, through shame, through loss of worldly possessions, I had only gained one thing: the blessing to know these veils had been veiling me from Allah, for Whom I am created.

My seeking had been life-long, but just as it had intensified three years ago, tribulations came. Trials and temptations happened one after another - and I failed spectacularly over the years. A year before that night, my house of cards started collapsing. Truth revealed to me in dreams and reality, but like all doomed, I did not take heed. All through this, I asked myself, "Why am I going where I don't want to go? Why, when I want to say 'Yes,' I hear myself saying 'No!' and when I must say 'No!', I utter 'Yes.'" I was beyond me and beside me.

And so there I was that night, still in fog, still questioning, still crawling, still probing. A little realization had started dawning on me; and it puzzled me. It seemed that everything I was learning was everything I knew before. So what happened? Rather, what is going to happen as I lie here in absolute fear and darkness, but with determination.

Then I got up. The best I could do, I knew, was to record what was happening before I forgot it, because somehow, it was going to mean something, someday.

I reached out for a fresh new notebook I had bought. Its cover said, "Divine Beauty." It has for colored sections for no good reason, except at the bottom of each was a quote. First came the gray colored section with the quote: "You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."

I then picked up my steadfast companion of loneliness: a copy of the Qur'an with lucid translation. I intended to seek an answer from it. I closed my eyes, and focused my attention on the question: "Why is this happening to me?" Then I opened at random, to find my answer. It opened at Chapter 29, The Spider. Here is a selection I copied in my journal:

Verse 002. Do people think that they will be left alone on saying, "We believe", and that they will not be tested?
003. We did test those before them, and Allah will certainly know those who are true from those who are false.
010. Then there are among people they who say, "We believe in Allah"; but when they suffer affliction in (the cause of) Allah, they treat people's oppression as if it were the Wrath of Allah!
069. And those who strive in Our (cause), We will certainly guide them to our Paths: For verily Allah is with those who do right.

The last line calmed my heart. For even in that dark period, loveless and possession-deprived as I perceived myself to be, I got the promise that I needed most in the world: that I am not astray; and that indeed, Allah will bring me Home.

But I was still unsure whether to all those people whose life path I was comparing mine with at that time, I was inferior in being loved by Allah? Was I, in short, indeed the "loser", the left-behind weakling I had been led to believe I was? Was I right in choosing to stick, weakly and barely as I did and by force of Allah's Will not mine, to the path I was on now? The path that I intuitively felt was right?

"Will I be (more) successful (than [the ones who left me behind]), or any other person who I envy is closer to You?" I wrote the next question in my journal a while later. Then I focused my attention on it, and opened the Qur'an again.

Chapter 41, Ha-Meem As-Sajdah: Verses 33-44.
Selection copied in my journal:

033. Who is better in speech than one who calls (people) to Allah, works righteousness, and says, "I am of those who bow in Islam"? [i.e. "I submit."]
034. Nor can goodness and Evil be equal. Repel (Evil) with what is better: Then will he between whom and you was hatred become as it were your friend and intimate!
035. And no one will be granted such goodness except those who exercise patience and self-restraint - none but persons of the greatest good fortune.
036. And if (at any time) an incitement to discord is made to you by the Evil One, seek refuge in Allah. Hu is the One Who hears and knows all things.

And with that was determined for me the shape of my engagement with the Other henceforth - until Allah chooses to change me again. My path cleared out to be a path of realizing who I am: a soul whose purpose is to call other souls to Allah, to remind them of who they are, to show them an example through her own practice of virtue, and to declare in the face of acceptance and adversity: "I submit!"

It confirmed that I am not a weak loser. But that indeed my way is the way of patience, of returning injury with healing, of returning illness with kindness, of forgiveness and of seeking Allah's refuge against the only real distraction from this practice that would come to me: my own voice of revenge, my own anger.

***

Note: Please refer to your own chosen translation of the Qur'an. The Qur'an I use in my daily pondering is Maulana Maududi's Urdu translation. The English translation above is Yousuf Ali's, with my tweaking of the old-fashioned gender-specific pronoun "he" to "they" and "He" for Allah to "Hu" - which is a name of Allah used as an Allah-specific pronoun by Sufis of, I believe, Turkish origin.

What comes round, when it comes round

Zodiac-wise, I am a Sagittarius. It takes a good deal of time and effort for anything to ruffle me. But when it does!

*Fire!!!*

Often the cool that I can keep surprises people - and God knows why most of us humans have this tendency to keep pushing to see how far things will go. So I know folks who, surprised and curious by the cool, will check to see if indeed I am dead, trying to act alive?

No, dude, I've got my six senses all right. I just master my impulse. But don't think I wasn't making a note while I was sitting and watching.

I am angry at a few folks, finally. Beyond finally, actually. I don't like my own anger because I completely understand my capability to inflict harm. And I mean no active harm to anyone. Therefore my anger has to be earned - I don't expend my energy for free. Which means, once again, that my calm is because of my strength, not weakness. If I decide not to keep a reign on my strength any longer - don't be surprised!

Anyway. You, poor Bloggie, should know that I have reached that level where I am going to give some folks accurate feedback and also let manifest the consequences of their deliberate actions. What you give around, you get around.

You know what Bloggie - are you thinking that I will go out and harm someone? No; I don't do that kind of thing. What I do, however, is that I let go of the control that I have been putting on the consequences of people's harmful actions. I do my best to make sure people are adequately warned.

In this case, I know of a certain ill-treating bunch of people whose secrets were safe with me and others they were serving poorly. I warned again and again and again that wronging people will make them retaliate - make them walk away - but so they listen? Now I am simply going to take long overdue actions. You can only return the harm that's been done to you, which is your right. Even in anger, dear Bloggie, you cannot transgress.

And what are you thinking? I will not jump on anyone's throats not hurt them behind their back. Whatever people do, you are only liable for your own character and grace, not theirs. I will, however, angered and hurt as I am myself, will try the last yet the most powerful recourse that I have: I will pray to Allah, Bloggie.

Were you sacred that I was going to give some kind of violent threat? No. I am not violent, Bloggie though I have completely normal impulses and I feel violence from time to time. It's inevitable in this day & age, you know!

I fear myself, Bloggie, the power of a curse. As much as one can, they should neither curse nor stand in the way of a curse and certainly, certainly, not earn a curse. But you know what Bloggie? A heart that is hurt is a living curse. Only a heart that truly loves is more powerful than the heart that is hurt.

I have hurt people too; very rarely, but when I did, I felt the curse. You can feel such things Bloggie - they are tangible. And when they start happening, you know readily where they came from. There's no way to describe this except to experience this. You can feel in your heart that the ill that suddenly came in your life was not sudden at all. If you can hear anywhere in your heart a guilty whisper, then you are your own judge. Doesn't Allah say that each person keeps the best eye on their own actions? Only we know.

So what I did was to ask forgiveness - in real words Bloggie, not just roundabout ways - ask forgiveness. I said, "I am sorry - I am aware that I have hurt you and though I know you are not the kind of person who will wish me ill, I know your heart has been hurt - and Allah never forgives that. It's because our hearts belong to Allah and not to us - and it's Allah Who deals with this matter directly. That's why we can't willfully stop a heart from aching. I know the ill that ails me will go only if you forgive me and you pray."

Only when I was forgiven, Bloggie, did my pain disappear. I have only done this rarely; and you have to discern between those you hurt and those who are just hurting themselves because you are not acting on their scripts. But you must never, never earn an ill will.

You know for the past some time, I have been forgiving a few people who I thought deserved (or not) to be let off the hook. Even if they don't deserve it, I don't care. I could be a better human if I could learn to forgive. And I certainly owed it because I have been forgiven myself too - we do too much wrong without keeping a count of it, Bloggie, so one should always be aware. There is Great Judge Who's always settling the scores and there's no escaping that justice.

Anyway - sigh! I like to forgive - but right now, my heart is completely not in the mood. Forgiveness has to be real and forever, one can't go back on it. I cannot take unfairness any longer. I am afraid I have made an ill will - and I am afraid ever more that I wish sincerely for it to come true.

Because you know what Bloggie? One more thing that I have learned is that you cannot - you should not - prevent the consequences of a person's bad action from reaching them all the time. Nature has its own way, you cannot prevent a fool's actions from getting back at them. Get out of the way whether you love them or not. They will only learn through the experience of getting back the results of their actions, or never learn the lesson.

The Karma of Unforgiveness

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different."

Sigh! The dreams would not give up throwing up the idea. I saw the dream again. Rather, the same person in new dreams - always there, like a wallpaper in the room - usually not interacting with my main dream that actively, but there. They say if you see someone from the past in the dreams, you have unresolved issues with them.

I talked to my friend Dr. H. M. about it. She and I have taken up the activity of analysing our dreams together. With time, not only are we improving our skills, but adding to our repertoire new techniques and angles of analyses. She believed that the person in question, a friend from the past, may be a symbol for an associated concept.

I do see symbols more often than I see persons from the waking life. Which is why these dreams have caught my attention: I do not see real-life people in my dreams, I see concepts enacted visually. But that is another matter. What has concerned me more than the dream business itself is their content, and the ever-present character.

A couple of weeks ago, I was watching, well, Harry Potter: The Goblet of Fire. Don't ask why I like HP, but I have always liked fairy-tale movies, magic, and like subjects. I do like Harry simply because he's a wizard - and I love fairies and wizards and people who do unusual things. In one scene, a matured Harry can't help but suppress smile when a thoughtless Hermione remarks at her athletic boyfriend, "Victor and I didn't talk. In fact, he and I don't talk at all. Victor is more of a physical type." I missed the pun too, until an embarrassed Hermione quickly realized, and Harry cracked but the gentlest of smiles, without a remark.

And somehow that was it. For a very vague association of this scene with the innocence of my own teenage years, I am ready to accept the message of my dreams. I am ready to close the unfinished business. I have decided to forgive the person that my dreams are concerned with.

The Indian thinking states that "unfinished business" creates a karma - a kind of sycle that must close or end, or it will go on. If it's not inherently evil, it's certainly very sad - for it's all about memory and none about possibility. The karma of our relationship has haunted many persons involved. I recently learnt that the karma had come back to hurt once again, another person involved in this network of teenage relationships and hurt-doing. I think, I have had my part of the karma's retribution. So did the person in the dream. So did another person I later related to. So has another person they later related.

I have been watching closely, and fate has been coming, again and again, to hurt everyone involved in this web of broken friendships, betrayals, and losing a good thing for nothing just because a group of childhood friends refused to grow up at the right time. The fate, the karma, and the dreams are all coming with a message: this cycle has to break: someone, somewhere, must cease to inflict hurt back and forth for things of the past. Someone, somewhere, must forever clean their heart of grudge. Someone, somewhere, must choose to step out of this cycle of childish jealousy, causing pain, suffering retribution, remembering bad things for years, forgetting good things - like the slips of tongues among two friends who were once as innocently connected as the magical Harry and Hermione... or any two children friends - and letting dreams stage their purposeful drama. Someone in this network of karma-stricken persons has to forgive.

I will be that someone. I have decided after years of needless, pointless losing and breaking of perfectly gentle and respectful relationship amongst a group of talented, beautiful persons - that we all deserve better. We all deserve to move on. And that it cannot happen unless we understand the depth of our own heart: we are all, in our hearts, kind but afraid to accept that, willing to let go of the past but unable to take the first step. And that this very dual feeling is leading everyone involved to be forever stuck in this cycle.

I have forgiven - myself first, for I was part of the cycle of wrong-doing and I got my just reward several times over. The person in my dream, for he deserves this and better - he deserves happiness and a use of his talents; and by Allah, he too received a severe retribution. And the associated everyone, for their continued bad luck means that my grudge is their bad karma...

Allah says, "Cooperate with the faithful in good deeds." With a group of people who were once fine friends, I cannot but only cooperate from now on in good will, and good deed. What one sends into the world comes back to them, and I want to send forgiveness in the world. Where I realize my good intention will not be well-received, I will still send forgiveness, so as not to get resentment. It is strange how these things come and go.

Dr. H. M. says, "Pay attention to your feelings in the dreams." My dreams are not of anger or grudge nor of jealousy, but an amused letting go, that is quite not indifference, but an unpossessive attachment. Of a fresh relationship. My dreams have told me, I am over. I am over a long, long cycle of the karma of unforgiveness. My dreams tell me that I have understood why Allah says, "The wronged is rightful in taking a revenge, but it is better that you forgive, if you understand."