Thus Began My Journal: November 2005

It is time that my memoirs are shared, for on my Path I went through a valley that I crossed eventually, only to witness others struggling in it, after. It is the Valley of Darkness, for those who re-enter the Path through the side lanes of sin. Perhaps, my words will show light to those who need it.

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One night in November 2005, as I lay near oblivious of my existence in my self-imposed solitary confinement in my room, wondering what was a soul like mine - so clear thus far, so fair, so faithful and patient with her own flaws - doing in a situation like this, I cried to Allah from the depths. Through illness, through heart break, through shame, through loss of worldly possessions, I had only gained one thing: the blessing to know these veils had been veiling me from Allah, for Whom I am created.

My seeking had been life-long, but just as it had intensified three years ago, tribulations came. Trials and temptations happened one after another - and I failed spectacularly over the years. A year before that night, my house of cards started collapsing. Truth revealed to me in dreams and reality, but like all doomed, I did not take heed. All through this, I asked myself, "Why am I going where I don't want to go? Why, when I want to say 'Yes,' I hear myself saying 'No!' and when I must say 'No!', I utter 'Yes.'" I was beyond me and beside me.

And so there I was that night, still in fog, still questioning, still crawling, still probing. A little realization had started dawning on me; and it puzzled me. It seemed that everything I was learning was everything I knew before. So what happened? Rather, what is going to happen as I lie here in absolute fear and darkness, but with determination.

Then I got up. The best I could do, I knew, was to record what was happening before I forgot it, because somehow, it was going to mean something, someday.

I reached out for a fresh new notebook I had bought. Its cover said, "Divine Beauty." It has for colored sections for no good reason, except at the bottom of each was a quote. First came the gray colored section with the quote: "You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."

I then picked up my steadfast companion of loneliness: a copy of the Qur'an with lucid translation. I intended to seek an answer from it. I closed my eyes, and focused my attention on the question: "Why is this happening to me?" Then I opened at random, to find my answer. It opened at Chapter 29, The Spider. Here is a selection I copied in my journal:

Verse 002. Do people think that they will be left alone on saying, "We believe", and that they will not be tested?
003. We did test those before them, and Allah will certainly know those who are true from those who are false.
010. Then there are among people they who say, "We believe in Allah"; but when they suffer affliction in (the cause of) Allah, they treat people's oppression as if it were the Wrath of Allah!
069. And those who strive in Our (cause), We will certainly guide them to our Paths: For verily Allah is with those who do right.

The last line calmed my heart. For even in that dark period, loveless and possession-deprived as I perceived myself to be, I got the promise that I needed most in the world: that I am not astray; and that indeed, Allah will bring me Home.

But I was still unsure whether to all those people whose life path I was comparing mine with at that time, I was inferior in being loved by Allah? Was I, in short, indeed the "loser", the left-behind weakling I had been led to believe I was? Was I right in choosing to stick, weakly and barely as I did and by force of Allah's Will not mine, to the path I was on now? The path that I intuitively felt was right?

"Will I be (more) successful (than [the ones who left me behind]), or any other person who I envy is closer to You?" I wrote the next question in my journal a while later. Then I focused my attention on it, and opened the Qur'an again.

Chapter 41, Ha-Meem As-Sajdah: Verses 33-44.
Selection copied in my journal:

033. Who is better in speech than one who calls (people) to Allah, works righteousness, and says, "I am of those who bow in Islam"? [i.e. "I submit."]
034. Nor can goodness and Evil be equal. Repel (Evil) with what is better: Then will he between whom and you was hatred become as it were your friend and intimate!
035. And no one will be granted such goodness except those who exercise patience and self-restraint - none but persons of the greatest good fortune.
036. And if (at any time) an incitement to discord is made to you by the Evil One, seek refuge in Allah. Hu is the One Who hears and knows all things.

And with that was determined for me the shape of my engagement with the Other henceforth - until Allah chooses to change me again. My path cleared out to be a path of realizing who I am: a soul whose purpose is to call other souls to Allah, to remind them of who they are, to show them an example through her own practice of virtue, and to declare in the face of acceptance and adversity: "I submit!"

It confirmed that I am not a weak loser. But that indeed my way is the way of patience, of returning injury with healing, of returning illness with kindness, of forgiveness and of seeking Allah's refuge against the only real distraction from this practice that would come to me: my own voice of revenge, my own anger.

***

Note: Please refer to your own chosen translation of the Qur'an. The Qur'an I use in my daily pondering is Maulana Maududi's Urdu translation. The English translation above is Yousuf Ali's, with my tweaking of the old-fashioned gender-specific pronoun "he" to "they" and "He" for Allah to "Hu" - which is a name of Allah used as an Allah-specific pronoun by Sufis of, I believe, Turkish origin.

The Joy of Integrity

Ah, bliss!

There is lightness in integrity: which is a state in which we are living who we truly are, and aligned with the scheme of things. It happens by beginning to see things as they are; and then keeping oneself firmly flowing from moment to moment, living appropriately. Now I've highlighted that, because that's all there is to it!

I have to thank you, Prophecy, for having the courage to understand that your remedy is within you and your sickness is from you, and then taking appropriate actions. The path can be long and arduous if you set about to right all wrongs; and it can be instantaneous if you access the present moment completely and wholly - which is to say, be integrated.

Did you know the word integrity has its root in integer, which means, "a complete entity?"

Think of it this way: imagine your current moment as a photograph. What about a photograph in which the person being photographed isn't even there? Or they are looking behind? Or out of the photo? The best photographs have a comfortable subject involved in the situation. It can be a "happy," "sad," or "provocative" photo, but it is as it is, and such is the nature of integrity.

Integrity is not about happiness, but a deep sense of fulfillment is a result of integrity.

So even if you feel that you are unforgiving, thank you for knowing this. With knowledge will come light, and light banishes all darkness by the very nature of the two. Actually it is one, Light, and the mere absence of it.

• Thank you for taking actions to eliminate from your life what you truly did not want or aspire for, no matter what the cost appeared to be.
• Thank you for understanding that you are your first priority, and thus taking care of your very self.
• Thank you for having the courage to say no.
• Thank you for accepting that you are living your legend, and you have your own journey, and for prevailing on the path despite internal adversity.
• Thank you for your kind to your self, for you acceptance of your flaws.
• Thank you for you comfort in your self, for your acceptance of your gifts without being proud or occupied.
• Thank you for letting go, and thus achieving reconciliation with the greater order of Being.
• Thank you for en-joying.
• Thank you for sharing joy, love, and knowledge with others. Perhaps I should not say this, for this is a product of integrity and not integrity itself, yet I wish to acknowledge what I can see, and wish that may Allah protect and nurture the results of our good deeds.

Our flaws are not to drive us insane, they are for us to gently acknowledge them... be un-pitying to them when they are controlling us, but be kind when we can do with kindness. In effect, it is all a form of kindness.

So, Prophecy, the life of integrity, and not any specific event or adventure is the true bliss of be-ing. What you have learned and what you have demonstrated now is also to set the course for the future. Use integrity within yourself and with your path as your guiding principle. Flow from moment to moment and remove the blocks of this flow by being honest without malice and bad intention.

The more you practice this, the easier, you will see, it will become. It is about taking off the dust off the lens of the torch that you are. There is light within you, which is also beyond your control (thank God!). What you control is only allowing yourself to shine.

To Set You Free

Prophecy - dear, foolish, Prophecy:

Sometimes you need to learn some from your inspired self. Consider what have you been feeling, and now, what have you been thinking, my foolish friend!?

Let what the feelings tell you absorb into the conscious self. Learn from your self, from the book inside you, dear. Everything happens for a reason. You learned what you learned so it could teach you, and give you knowledge for your situations. You are not clueless.

Prophecy, some days in the lives of humans are expansive, some are constrictive. Sometimes it's light, at other times it's dark. Some times are warm, others are cold.

Then there are seasons: The Spring gives birth, the Summer nurtures and flourishes and brings intense energy to Earth, the Autumn makes everything go still - preparing for days of solitude and rest, and the Winter takes down all things green so they can be born again. We live.

This is the nature of life, my dear. Courageous is the one who understood the transformations of life and went along with them - felt joy in them. Remember, you had learned:

"And so are the days (good and not so good), We give to men by turns, that Allâh may test those who believe."
Verse 140, Sura Al-Imran, The Quran

Prophecy, you spoke only days earlier of Love in Being. This is no ordinary knowledge, do appreciate. Love is larger than our human inadequate beings, though love, too, is just an energy in action. There is the deeper, eternal Being - Within, Without, First, Last.

It is not going anywhere, nor is the energy that it produces. But that Being, Prophecy, is ever in transformation - it has a new shape, a new aspect, a new manifestation every moment. Our whooooollllleeee wide Cosmos is rendered anew every moment, Prophecy.

Be a brave woman. Be a true Muslim, whose heart is not afraid of seeing what is seen. Be courageous. Never fear what you see, Prophecy. Never fear what you lose, or what you get. Allah tests when Hu takes, and Allah tests when Hu gives, Prophecy. The truly courageous are distracted by none, Prophecy. The one who truly loved and was loved always knew better than this.

When you turned 25, you wrote here:

I have touched dust and turned it into gold. And I have seen gold turn to dust and fly away... thus learning some of the most enduring lessons about the delicacy of this illusion called life.

You learned this long ago, Prophecy. So why fear the illusion of life, still?

Prophecy, it is small minds who are trapped in the world. Who see nothing beyond the transactions of giving and taking and the calculations of them all. It drives minds to insanity, and it panics the hearts to be so confined.

All humans, each and every human, has a potential in their hearts. Not all are destined to realize it though.

That should not concern you, Prophecy. The state of everyone else is part of the illusion, it is part of the aspects of Being. Do not take these things to heart, Prophecy, even if they occur in what you perceive to be "your life."

Look ahead and up. What are you seeing? The meaning of being human, a true, realized human - that is what you see, at least as of now.

Prophecy, be the human you are meant to be. See not the world and what touches your heart from the little mind's view. See it as it is, and do not fear that the Universe has constricted upon you. Believe in benevolence, and you shall have it. Be-lieve!

Do not fear anything Prophecy. All there is, is the Truth. Feel this truth, and speak it Prophecy. It is the Truth that shall set you free.

Image from here

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