The Doubt of Self

To know that all geniuses suffer from terrible self-doubt, at least at some point in their lives (usually at the beginning of their journey), offers me only very little consolation.

First, being a genius alone is not sufficient to achieve the kind of success I aspire for. Second, terrible self-doubt involves a lot of stomach ache, and this is not to be taken as lightly as it sounds. Third, I forget what I was going to say, but there is a point #3.

And now, what is the kind of success I aspire for? Only to be able to answer ably this one question of God after I die: “What did you do with what I gave you?”

It’s a shame that a great part of my whole life so far has been led in a way to provide no satisfactory answer to this question. If this observation is some form of the terrible self-doubt of the genius, it better be a productive one.

But a question still remains on the table: is genius any good in itself?

Footloose in Khairpur

This is an inside view of the entrance to Khairpur Mir's' Faiz Mahal. Khairpur is a district in Northern Sindh and is closer to Sukkur than my office is to my home in Karachi. Translated, that would mean it's enjoyably close.

Khairpur was governed by the Shi'ite Mirs of Baloch origin at the time of independence of Pakistan in 1947. At that time, Khairpur state opted to join Pakistan, and the rest is a very murky history of which I got a one-sided loaded account so we'll keep that for another day when I'm more knowledgeable.

The Mirs, also known as Talpurs, live in the palace known as Faiz Mahal to this day - and on the day of our visit, they kindly let us in. The names are interesting here. "Khairpur" would translate as "the city of well-ness" or "the city of blessings." "Faiz" itself means a continuous charity or a continuous blessing. But it's not just the names that are so wholesome. It's the aura of the place.

Even though many treasures of the palace are largely in need of attention and the city itself is not very developed, the place has a stillness and a feeling on content that is better felt than described. Before the city turns blazing hot in summers, this is a good time to visit.

I fell in love with the place. And with someone who will take years to reach the age I am today. Sigh! That's a first for my otherwise geriatric-focused romantic tastes.

Ahem. No, it's not me. It's the place. I loved the way Faiz Mahal looked so rich and so warm in the sunlight. I loved the chowkidar - the watchman - who my host had warned was media-phobic. But he loved the camera! I loved that, and... well, I tell you, love was in the air!


There is much more that I have to share about Khairpur! The best of that place is in feeling it, rather than describing it. More to come on these pages.

Lunatic

Photo: Sunset at the North Pole with the moon at its closest point. Forwarded by Rosen.

I heard there is going to be a lunar eclipse tonight? Not visible in Karachi? Why? (Is there like a back-side to this lunar eclipse thing or a partial eclipse visible elsewhere - how does this disco ball work?)

I thought I'd find out at around 2.00 A.M. So first I tried to take a peek from the many house windows. No, the moon was not to be seen from those angles. I reminded myself that I have a new promise: to examine and experience everything as close to the source as possible. Trying to be as subtle as I can be with a creaky lock & key on a silent night, I stepped on the moonlit terrace.

Now here is where I must stop. How can and why be described what I saw and felt? One must experience things themselves when and where they can. The beauty of the moon is available across the globe - and tonight, some lucky lunatics will be enjoying watching the moon veil and unveil...

It was a cool pearly light that shone on the terrace floor and flitered through the balcony. To inhale in the lovely air and to absord the silvery light, I sat on the terrace floor. Inhale, exhale... Move the arms in the air and feel the currents of energy... touch the light!

When I was young I experienced the pleasure of sleeping on charpoys on the roof of our home in Punjab of Pakistan. One could see everything from frost trails to crystal halos to shooting stars to bats flying in the night. It made the world look very large. In the modern, adult life, when the pain of living begins to press on to the heart, the remembrance of those nights is the best alternative cure of experiencing such a night itself. You see, the pain of modern living is alleviated to a great degree when we life our heads up. It is then that we can be consoled that the world is much, much larger than we might be feeling at that moment. And consequently, life has much more to offer than what we might be focused on.

What a gift it is to have a moon to look up to! I don't think my life and all its struggle would ever be worth it if I had not had the opportunity to enjoy many a lovely, mysterious moons alighting the skies with their cool silver fire.

Once upon last night... *oh no!*

“Raat ki baat ka ab zikar hi kiya
Choriye raat gayee, baat gayee”

Let’s not talk about what happened yesterday. Let it be; what happened yesterday, end yesterday.

So said the poet who believed in getting over. One would wish more people with his wisdom. I had a look at my psyche recently, and it revealed to my squeaking surprise that most of what I thought was my own hurt was actually the result of listening to the excruciating details of The Constant Whiners.

While I do have respect for sharing feelings and getting the opinion of the wise, I have – like many other humans do – a disinterest in elaborating past chronicles, especially the painful, inane ones. To be on the listening end can quickly go beyond being a patient listener into being a soapbox, a wailing wall, or a forced supporter.

I can’t say, though, that I have stuck to my philosophy. For a while it seemed to me that the one way of getting along with others is to rejoice in complain.

The experience has been an eye-opener, if no less a heart-splinterer. I cannot say if it’s because the agonizing (painful or dull, boring – it’s just agonizing) past itself, or whether it’s the difference of my optimistic Sagittarian nature with this kind of post-mortem analysis – I found my experience disturbing and sticky like a wet blanket. If you haven’t been stuck on by a wet blanket before, experiment dealing with a soggy cotton ball.

Being stoical and patient was right after all. And if my personal experience doesn’t hold a candle, here is additional testimony of those who are even getting paid to listen.


P.S. “Burying it” is quite different and just as drastic as “venting it – again. And again.” The correct strategy is to “face it, understand it, resolve it, and move on.” Those who bring you back to it should be calmly and forcefully reminded to mind their own business. I’ve tried it.

P.P.S. In case of any psychological or personal issue, don’t look up to blogs or friends equally clueless as ourselves – no matter how smart and deep they sound. Go see a counselor, a mentor, or any other wise person who has no stake in your life. If your gut doesn’t trust them, let your feet walk. Be happy.

4 Steps to Light

Has it ever happened to you that you meet a very educated person who’d believe, say, or do something so astoundingly stupid that you wondered: what dent did education make in this man or woman?

And then on other times, a child or a person seemingly not literate of words believed, said, or did something very profound? Especially the children – who are the most underestimated of wise saints.

Many of us may have had a similar experience. And so have I.

But why talk of what I saw in others? In myself too, I have often felt knowledge making no or little difference in the way I carry out my existence. And I know quite a few things. What on earth, then, makes a difference? And what is this difference anyway?

In my search for an answer, I have come across what seems like the key, or the door, or the first step – whatever our imagination entertains – to discovering an answer to this riddle.
There are four steps of… opening one’s mind, shall I say?

Nay! It’s not just the mind that leads us; the heart governs in its own ways. In fact, the beauty of this wisdom is this that it suggests that the heart must be tamed before the mind is to be educated.

The Four Stages of Enlightenment

1. Awareness: To know that one knows nothing


2. Training & cleansing of self: To prepare the heart’s intent, and to cleanse the self of desire


3. Education: To gain what is known as “knowledge;” the pure understanding of the what, how, when, why, for/by whom, where in our circle of concern


4. Wisdom: To judge between right and wrong; to make fair and right use of education so that education may attain what the heart knows our purpose is

The stages are as I learnt them, and the explanations are mine.

It seems that the modern education system spins around the third stage alone. The “awareness” – at least in my country where I have witnessed the “educational” system closely – is in the form of indoctrination at best.

These steps also explain why our emotional development (result of step 2) might be years behind our mental and physical development. Is that what makes this model so true?