40 Days of Transition: December 06, 2009 - January 14, 2010

On my 30th birthday, I began a period I called 40 Days of Transition. 

There are essentially two practices that formed the 40 Days: journaling and offering gratitude. 

I bought a new journal and gave myself the task to write three pages, each day, for forty days. Ideally, I would write the pages in a stream-of-consciousness fashion, early in the morning. The idea was to communicate to my soul and find out exactly what it wanted. 

I wanted to catch myself just as I woke up from sleep, with the most honest feelings brimming from my being. 

 

The other practice that marked the forty days was a twin-fold gratitude practice: as soon as I get up each morning, I would offer Sura-e-Fatiha -- the prayer that the Qur'an begins with. It is primarily a prayer rooted in gratitude, a prayer for a new beginning, a prayer that brings one into the present. Aptly, its name is translated into English as "The Opening". 

Immediately after Fatiha, I would offer gratitude for 7-10 specific things. I have kept a gratitude journal as far back as in 2006. The practice is immensely helpful, especially in a world that is populated with bad news that can rapidly replace one's beautiful memories. 

I wanted to anchor myself to my reality by pinning my memories down to paper. This time, however, I offered verbal gratitude, and then got down to journaling. 

"What is the aim of this journal?" a confidant asked. 

I was gagged. I had no idea. I confided the truth: I want the journal to tell me what it's for. 

That was the whole point -- for there indeed was a point --: to be able to communicate with my authentic self by getting past all the noise. 

Tomorrow is January 14th, 2010. It will be the last day of this period of transition. I managed to offer the gratitude practice almost each day, without fail, though sometimes well after waking up. I managed to journal almost 80% of the days -- mostly skipping on the days that I was extremely fatigued. Surprisingly, there were many such days. I consider that a part of becoming conscious of my own pattern. The key is that I am the book that I am writing on the Page. Therefore what transpired in and on the journal is what my inner pattern is. 

Clearly, I was absent some days. On January 3rd, I finally collapsed. In what I experienced as a death-like condition, I finally made the transition that I was seeking: concern for the world left me, and I became who I am. In the silence that I felt when I thought I was going to die, I met myself. 

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I wrote the above last night. Today, I have finished the 40 Days of Transition.

On the last day I wrote: I have turned up on the page -- with fail and without fail, but I have turned. Now, I hand this over to Allah. It is up to Allah to make what Allah makes of my journey within. 

.ramla

07:34 pm

At the writer's desk

Karachi