Saturday, July 12, 2008

Lover's Problem

Oh Ilahi!

You know me. I turn to You, and to You, and to You, and to You. You know that I will put my head on the floor. You know I will not rise until Your Mercy, Your now-oft-veiled-behind-Your-Fury Mercy, is perceived more clearly by me.

But I am tricked by the outside of me. You know the sublimer wishes of my heart: You know that I care even not for Mercy... which is why my soul is going where it's going: beyond a concern for Fury, beyond a concern for Mercy, into the Beyond. You are my destination.

This is the essential problem of a lover: a determination that borders on the foolish. A destination, a determination, but hardly a deliberation!

This essential problem I remembered. I finally remembered. I have not forgotten, After All.

I love You. I'm in the sort of place where I can't care what happens to me - because Love is an overwhelming experience.

While Love claims evermore the living cells of my body, I have a very easy struggle going about my day to day affairs. It's easy for You have held me strong, and it's a struggle because I wish to return, and then not. There is a Joy in spending Time away from You, because I know it helps me see You from a pleasant distance. In a way, I enjoy the tease for to feel otherwise would be to spoil Your game.

But I digressed! I was reminding You of my determination in prayer. How pushy am I that I show off to You a gift You have given me? But You created me so I could hold up Your Beauty to You. So I in-joy this! And while I love You, I have a residual fear of You.

It is now for this fear, that little persisting fear, that I will pray to You. Until I see.

Yet You know - of course You do for I am but channeling Your words - that just as I write this, some old old feeling is leaving me. I cannot explain, I will attempt to:

How can Darkness stand in the Presence of Light? How can I pray to You with a nugget of self-interest in my heart when I love You, and I trust You!?

Fear departs in ever-faster bits.

I pray to You now because I love. Because I... love! I pray to You because I enjoy it. It's not an emotion that drives me to You, it's just the very act of being in Your Presence. It's for Love. Today, I want no more and no less than Love! That's why I will pray. No matter what happens in this world; I will not pray to change it. I will pray just to be with You. The World is an illusion, and You are the Master. When I am in Your Presence, I Am. There is no fear of Your creation. There is only an obsession with Your love.

Oh, You know me!

No comments:

Post a Comment