Wednesday, July 09, 2008

To Have Light Within


I have made an apparently obvious but significant decision, and since then, I am quieter. And my heart is lit up with light. I am feeling a phrase I intended 4 months earlier is now manifesting on the level of experience. When I first conceptualized "Love in Being" - it was just that: a concept. So many weeks and many heartbreaks-over-false-love later, I am now experiencing deep within me what Love means when it awakens. This is just the beginning.

Yet all this must mean my decision passes the Truth Test. Only Truth sets you free, my soul, only Truth sets you free!

I have no delusion, no hope, no fear, no nothing. Above all, it is the end of the seeking of happiness and excitement that has brought me to where I am. So this is how it feels.

I will tell you where I am: I feel as if for more and more extended periods of - I will not call it Time, but Concentration - concentration, I am here. In the Now. So this is how it feels!

How does it feel?

It at once feels as though I have no past to stay entangled in and no future to get hazy about, and yet - paradoxical as spiritual conditions are - I feel connected in these moments to my entire history... to my entire existence, rather, for history is history... and the Existence of... well, just Existence. And then Being. Do you notice how my vocabulary is changing?

I have felt calm, quiet, and within me. No longer stuck to the window, looking outside, losing a sense of self that has disturbed me for the past few months. I have felt just a very little pain, but it's sort of a gate: when I feel pain again, I know that I am still somehow at the threshold.

I have felt terribly betrayed in these days, and that reminded me, here I was, at the threshold, neither here nor there. Was it not I who was saying that it's living a lie - or not living the Truth - that keeps our souls in agony and consumes our energy? Did I not say that it's not making a decision that keeps up on the horns of Hell? Well, all words we say, we say to a Mirror that is this Universe. It talks back to us. Listen, we must.

I feel an increasing integration. This integration, this rooting back in the Now - it is familiar. Perhaps now I can start saying, yes, my soul used to live here before... but I will never pat my own back. For it will stop me form going further. Besides, who am I to reward myself?

Prophecy, having crossed a certain painful threshold with the help of a decision....
[INTERRUPT] OK, guess what? I am terribly sleepy and this is not the time to write. My heart is begging me to sleep. I still haven't got over the habit of abusing myself. The next question I must answer: why do I do this? Why, indeed, is this fairly "normal" behavior? Why are we humans driving ourselves against our own will in the pursuit of, pardon the paradox, happiness?

All things adults do to be happy are things that made them unhappy as children. And then we grow up to resist our own selves. Shame on the education ad nurturing of this world!

Or shame on those who mock those who passed away before them! What are you doing Prophecy?? Wake up! Remember, you never blamed! Remember yourself. Remember who you are!

Wake up. Wake up!