Friday, March 28, 2008

Come walk with me in the Forest. There's something I have to show you


This is so crazy! The co-incidence (or not) I mean! The message I am about to tell you of couldn't have come in at a better time! It explains everything!

Look, here I was wondering what a loony I have been for the past few days. Today was in a class of its own. I fell dead silent. As in, my mind just stopped dead in mid-chatter yesterday, and today I just stayed that way.

Yes, I know I should appreciate it.

Wait a mo, I do. I really do. Despite all cultural constructs that view silence suspiciously and as a lack of human activity, I actually know deep inside nothing could be more right! When the Universe conspires in my favor, I can take time to just watch it at work and just help it every now and then.

But hello, I am culturally constructed until annihilated in that respect. I know I am not completely destroyed in that regard, I must wait and watch the destruction of the old me. So I am just thinking, I feel strange. I know I am going through a lot of great changes at once. And if the Universe is within me, my physical and emotional changes must mean a gigantic change in the Universe's construct. Is it any wonder the strange behavior of me with me, and of everything with me?

Now here is a random list of things I have been feeling all together, in a run of 24 hours, like successive currents:

  • Having a mother of a pain in my body, particularly the neck and shoulders, with a maddened heart beat
  • The urge to cry or to be silent
  • Long, frequent sleeping spells
  • Several small meals a day
  • The urge to compulsively write my heart out, and to do no "productive" work at all
  • Being as stubborn and uncommunicative as a Sagittarius can get
  • Inexplicable rudeness
  • Inexplicable tenderheartedness
  • The need to be constantly on my guard
  • Or the need to feel guilty about lifting, putting down, lifting up again, putting down again this guard - whatever it is
  • The urge to pray
  • The urge to forgive
  • The urge to love benevolently even when my intent is at its most vicious
  • Talking to myself
  • Communicating with those who matter in the non-matter dimension
  • Receiving their communication likewise
  • Writing a diary addressed to my alter ego, You. Publishing the damned thing on the Net
  • Talking to Allah. Lapsing in talking to Allah. But always, always, always loving Hu with an intensity that is beyond me
  • Being amazed
  • Being stunned
  • Being shocked
  • Being afraid
  • Biting my fingers
  • Laughing out loud

Enough - that's enough. The point is to give you an idea.

So while some of these experiences are a little more permanent, some are socially a little off. I have been feeling implicitly socially guilty about the goings-on. I know my friends and family are be-deviled by my abrupt changes - they are genuinely concerned with no clue on how to approach me without me pelting their heads with fireballs.

But I have no control over this!

You see our urban lives are very structured. Our expectations are all lined up. There is no time to watch the full moon, except thanks to when the electricity falters. There is no room for being a little off without putting others off. Well - to be fair - everyone does manage to take a "little off" me. But I've been a very off-off me!

So. This week I decided the only thing I am doing wrong is to imagine that things are wrong.

"Our Way is about feats of perception, not feats of action," remember?

Question: What's wrong?
Answer: This question!

So. I know the key for me is to let myself BE. No wonder that with my physical adjustment & training is coming a massive life adjustment outside me. Just on its own.

Anyway. Where are we? We have wandered into the forest!

We started off with me about to tell you about the random message. This link popped up on my Gmail feed was just forwarded to me by a friend: 12 Signs of Awakening.*

Just behold what light it has to shed:

"Twelve Signs of Your Awakening Divinity"

  1. Body aches and pains, especially in the neck, shoulder and back
  2. Feeling of deep inner sadness for no apparent reason
  3. Crying for no apparent reason
  4. Sudden change in job or career
  5. Withdrawal from family relationships
  6. Unusual sleep patterns
  7. Intense dreams
  8. Physical disorientation
  9. Increased "self talk"
  10. Feelings of loneliness, even when in the company of others
  11. Loss of passion
  12. A deep longing to go Home*
You know what Prophecy? Each and every bit of this is true.

I am so sticking with my decision to chuck all medicine in the bin. I want to sit with myself and stand by myself through the process of change, social obligations and explanations of my absence be darned! (And if at all, why feel so deeply obligated? Why not have a sense of humor and put those who care for you, at ease?)

I also have to resolve that it is indeed not a sign of greater character to run about seeking explanations for one's own state. The Universe answers, yes, but why must I question its every move? Am I explaining all things to myself, or am I feeling obligated to those around me, who actually might not be holding me as "accountable" as I believe they do?

There has to be a trust between me and my life. One cannot go with a process if they keep questioning it, and trying to make sense of it. So while I thank God for all explanations, I know it shows a weakness I must rid myself of if I am to keep steadily progressing on The Way.

- Wayfarer
Showing you the way
Through the Forest

* Just for the record, my understanding of past lifetimes etc is rather simple: it's all about the DNA, living again and again trough various bodies. That explains the past; the future has a way of being determined by our NOW.
P.S. On this note, I shall write about my uncle's research on the cellular structural world within our bodies one day!

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