Well, right through my painful Sa'ee (ritual walk between two hills during the Muslim Pilgrimage), I was able to lessen my physical pain by guiding other pilgrims through their rituals. It instantly reduced my pain. This kind of incident has happened to me repeatedly.
And today was uncanny because there's this certain question of love that I worry about - and oft in the midst of it, I find someone who I can help... Is this not a pattern that alludes to something larger? I am just recalling how I used to love helping people out - not through a sense of guilty duty, but just for the love of it! I enjoyed my life, and I wanted to share happiness!
Right now the way I approach the issue - helping out of compulsion - drains me of energy.
Today, after seeing off a patient I met in a hospital who me and pal AR stopped by to ask after, I took a lesson in caring for myself from AR. She says, I give too much to dead weight loss.
Whatever drama has stirred up in my life in the past 2-3 weeks just shows me that the path for me is laid forward through a love and appreciation of myself... to be that joyful being whose very presence gives hope and joy to others... just like I used to, when I was younger and in far more trouble.
As said Buddha:
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
I used to have a carefree radiance about me that always made people's day - I was the "Head Girl" of the school, and found it so effortless to make people see the brightness and joy of life. It was so clear to me that "problems" are gaps of opportunities. I could see - as I still do, far more clearly - people's potential. And I saw the best in them, which is why I never had trouble even with rogues. They felt like they were seen, they were humans and secure from blame around me. I had no labels to put on people, I just embraced them.
I now know for a hardly useful fact that what I see, many don't - and that's OK. I see people's future, which is an extension of their potential as of in the present moment. It's like looking at a torch the light of which is spreading far and wide, and the torch, unable to look at itself, is unaware that the radiance is coming through it... lighting up the world around it.
Now I have been speaking of the torch so much lately - but why haven't I realized I am a torch too? And I need a gentle cleansing of my lens every now and then?
That I have a right to live and feel joy just as much as any other person - for none of us is superior than other; so there is no reason why I should race the victim-minded to the finish line to utter misery.
I can no longer go on with an attempt to be a saint. Let's make a pact, let's pretend I am a saint, a living saint. Done? Happy?
Wait a minute! Have I been living a lie?
I say, I care for no heaven, and I fear for no hell.
Then why attempt to be a saint?
Do I not think that when I have never entertained the thoughts of heaven and hell standing between me and Hu, and my deepest wish is ever to be in Hu's presence, just to see...
then Hu also does think neither of my rights nor my wrongs?
When I wish to see Hu beyond, does Hu not see me beyond all veils, as I am, right now?
That I am sought truly as I am - unaware even of inadequacy?
Have I been doing the very thing I consider low: to try and earn points of favor with Being.
Being is Being, and I Am Who I Am.
.... Ah, that had never occurred to me this clearly!
Please, liberate your Self from the need to look good in the eyes of Being.
Live and love!
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