Monday, November 17, 2008


I feel as if I'm just staring at a blankness.

After an August with interesting ups & downs, life since September has been strange. At the start of the month of fasting, early in September, I felt as though I fell in a void - and that feeling last about 40 days - which is quite a stretch for any such infinite feeling to dwell within a heart. It was the strangest of experiences: like being in an icy land that's not cold at all, just stretches endlessly. I think it was significant in ways that I did not understand. I only knew that my ego was experiencing a turmoil, and so be good for it.

I moved out of that phase almost just as suddenly. Though the "moving out" just marked the beginning of an intense struggle, actually, but one where I feel intensely empowered. I know how things are changing and what am I to do.

All this year, I have also undergone a strict physical training regimen. Ramadan was the high point of it, as I continued through the fasting. This is one of the most significant and blessed things to have happened to me in a long, long time.

So right now I am at this crossover point where I am returning to a position of strength - physical as well as mental and spiritual. It's taken a lot of breaking of the cobwebs of habits that I had developed during a slower period of my life to continue to awaken to this state.

Right now, I am feeling sleepy and bone tired. It's been so, so many days that I have been completely confined to my house with only rare trips outside. I have been thinking, writing, cleaning and sorting my life out. I have been making decisions. I have got a lot of work done. Because this journal often happens to be the only thing I can "talk" to, I can share this: sometimes I am so tired I just want to get up and run.

I know, though, that there are some long-term things in my life that need my attention and my going away now will delay the work I have been doing for so long. And my temptation is to just get up and go, without guilt. Perhaps I will soon find a third way, which is not so automatic as either of these.

Anyhow. I don't think I am making sense, that's because I am so sleepy. In my heart, I feel a strength and happiness that I haven't felt in a long time - and I say this even as I feel my words are a bit of a half lie, as everyday a great deal of desolation still surfaces in my heart. That's not too hard to understand given the life of anyone in Pakistan who gets to watch TV off and on. Yet as often this desolation is most felt when I am taking on my greatest challenges, I have a secret assurance that it's all for the right reason. My heart has taken up great challenges despite its feebleness. And because my heart lives in these challenges, the ache is inevitable. It just means it's the right thing to do - though I still can hardly tell.

I am not making sense. I just know I am very tired today. I even feel dull and a bit anguished when I stretch on despite my tiredness. My work seems behind schedule and there is a lot to do - but for one person who has gone through so much transformation in just one year, I am very glad to be here, to be still alive. I am glad I have made some very correct decisions, years ago when I didn't even know if I'd ever see the light of Hope again. I may think I am off my time, but God knows, that my work and life are ahead of me, and that everything is in the right place, at the right time. And that I am truly blessed.

I am still not making sense! I am sleepy. I have started making some very significant changes in my life that need the dedication of at least the next two weeks. These are going to be the two most liberating weeks of my life, when I am taking some seemingly minor but immensely significant steps in my life. They matter because I shall be taking my decisions - independent of my internal blocks - after a long time, that they will change lives, and that everyday issues as they seem to be, they will still build my character.

Great, now I have said all I wanted to say without making much sense. After all, this is what blog are for!

Off I go to the sanctuary of my God's Loving Arms.

Good night! 

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