Wilderness

An unspeakable restlessness has gripped me.
 
And within it, the slightest shimmers of comfort.

I feel as though I am walking alone in a wilderness... in an utter aloneness... bewildered, but not quite. Sad, but not deeply. Moved - and yes that I am!

Sometimes I doubt if I am really grounded in reality. The world does something else, and I see something else. What I see then eventually comes true. The distance between my seeing and its realization, though, sometimes seems to stretch.

I will be more honest now. First, what does it mean to be honest and to be not honest? To me, it just means this: the more quickly I accept myself, the more I am integrated, there are no spaces within me.... and that makes my word honest, and my action, integrated. Until the thought, word, and action are the same.

I am at such a point of acceptance of who I am that at once feeling true, and at another level: lost. Alone. Disconnected. I have grown rapidly over the past few days, and it is my mission to continue to achieve certain goals by the Saturday - when it will be my birthday.

Dear me! Listen to how I command myself!

I am so tired. I am restless. I am aware of something much larger than I have known before. I feel desperately alone in this new world. I wish I had another to relate this to - yet it is my choice to sacrifice that wish in order to be closer to Hu.
 
I believe I shall see the end of this temporary wandering, this bewilderment, that I shall find what I'm looking for - or rather, it shall find me.