Learning to Dance

One of the toughest challenge that I find in my life is to be brave when I am completely crumbling inside. Sometimes that feeling occurs so often - I get up a morning happy, and by evening I feel the weight of the world on my heart... or I wake up with a sense of foreboding, and then work the day towards changing my world, deliberately. And I sleep in content.

I believe in spreading courage, not despair - especially when there is much apparent reason to have despair without. I find opportunity and beauty even in problems and ugliness. Yet maintaining that perception has not always been easy.

Especially lately, I see my Universe changing astoundingly quickly, sometimes several times a day. I find my heart unmanageable, I want to cry, I feel as if I would die and having nothing... this sense of loss... even this sense of loss does not stay long enough for me to savor it... and then suddenly I find a fullness, an un-describable richness surrounding me.

The past three months have been such a tumultuous ride. I cannot truly say what I think - but it seems that Destiny has seized me, and I have seized Destiny in an uncomfortable dance.

It's like trying touching the nose of your mirror image by touching the mirror, and feeling annoyed at seeing the hand actually moving away from the nose. It takes some learning to get going along with the way the whole thing works. I am at once fascinated, and frustrated. I cry with happiness, and then with sadness.

In all this time, my heart has broken and re-mended and broken and re-mended and broken and re-mended so many times. I have no control over this. I have no idea of what's happening. I only see my whole life as a ribbon unfurling in the wind.... it flutters, and with it, my heart, my love, my fear, my courage.

There is no sealed guarantee about what I must expect in my life, that I can wrap in a velvet bag and put under my pillow so I can put my head comfortably over it and sleep. There is no knowing what my heart will go through in the next few moments. It might just break again, and I might have to go on being brave despite all ache. I don't know. It might experience unexpected love again, and I might be bewildered at how I attract such beautiful energy despite my doing nothing. I don't know.

I just don't know. But I feel that slowly, somehow, I am learning the steps to this cosmic dance. This, perhaps, is the only thing that helps me get by through this Uncertainty of Being.