Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Memoir-izing: My Life's Story, After Intent

This yet unpublished blog was written on the morning of Thursday April 10, 2008.
I did not publish because I felt there was a promise in this I was not going to keep.
Three months later, however, this is exactly how my life has played out after a series of fortunate incidents.

April 10, 2008

I am supposed to be preparing my notes for a business meeting, but the call comes again: loud, clear, inevitable.

And so I am back to doing what I am meant to do: watching my life, and writing about it. I don't know why, I don't know what for - I only know how. That's my only power, that's my soul's liberation.

I am astounded but not surprised at the utter destruction the whole illusion of my existence has undergone within a few days right in front of my eyes, right in my hands. Perhaps it was the putting my hands on the illusion that destroyed it, but then so be it. Now.

Then every moment now is a blessing in itself. Those who learned this secret sailed through the illusion. So where's the blessing, now? The blessing is that everything around me has stripped down, such that the inevitability of my path has become startlingly clear. Where was I running off to? Even if I physically or emotionally removed myself from my circumstances, the story would have stayed in my heart, and I would have felt that strange, unnamed gap between where I would be and where I ought to be. That unnamed, buzzing, persistent feeling some identify and label as existential angst.

I'd rather choose death, than angst at being. Which is to say, I'd rather choose that the unreality dies, than to be bound to it. This is hell. I am not dying in hell. Not me.

I am living, by the blessing of death of time, my dream. What a strange dream it is! How fascinating, how rich!

Notice words as you speak, Prophecy: you say, "I am living my dream." It is indeed still a dream you are living. A dream you have created to fascinate yourself. You said to your dream, "Be!" And it became. Such is the method of creation.

I have made a few decisions that actually were inevitably made for me... however that works.

  • I place my trust in the clear truth that Allah is Merciful, Beneficent. That Allah is Beautiful, and Hu loves beauty. That this Multiverse is created on the principle of being, and there is no non-being, which is why I am alive. That my life is beyond ritual and force - it is to live Beauty.
  • I liberate myself from the whole illusion of being by submitting to Allah.
  • I embrace the Uncertainty that comes from living moment to moment. I see the joy in not knowing where shall I be next, or whether I shall be at all or not. I recognize that any sorrow arising from this decision is actually the other face of joy.
  • I love.
  • I let go of control of my Self.
  • I heal and be healed.
  • I get out of the way of my own writing. It's happening, I am writing memoirs and essays, and I am not going to stop myself from this.
  • I choose Love over the Deep Blue Sea. That, to me, is a literary reference: Love is my country, and the Deep Blue Sea is every place else. I don't owe anything, anything. But I love. Love shows me the way, and I love Pakistan. Not out of a sense of compulsion, not out of a sense of sacrifice or enforced martyrdom. Out of free choice, out of joy, out of pure love. I choose to live here, transforming myself and my country at once. Her life is my life, and that is how I relate to my physical being. I love Pakistan; I choose Pakistan.
  • I bring out the best in others by reminding them of their dream, and helping them see the place in this world that their soul wants to reach; thereby gaining Connection. I decide to share open knowledge, but force none by way of my expectation or attachment.
  • I have decided to have conversations, and show by inspiration and experience to all who I am meant to show the beauty of this design.
  • I pursue the unraveling of mysteries that amuse me.
  • I engage with the abundance of Nature - in-joying the forms of life and consciousness spread about me... the animals and the plants and all other species.
  • I learn from whichever source I can, wherever I can, whenever I can.
  • I travel God's Earth far and wide in search of knowledge and to answer my questions; and to bring the knowledge home.
  • I allow my Self to be freed from others' manipulations, expectations, and baggage even if it means I have to let them go, they have to see me go, or either of us have to die or live more fully.
  • I trust that in its beauty, the Design hurts no one. It provides adequately and beautifully for us all. And that which I destroy for myself lives on in its own life. I am neither the master nor the servant of creation.
  • I choose nothing, and I give up!
  • I am thankful when I am given to; and I am patient when I am taken from. For I understand in the depth of my being, that everything is as it is. It is the perception that matters.

And so, "Be!"

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