Friday, June 20, 2008

my irresistible game

Dearest Friend,

i weep and sleep and weep and weep because i know that it will cause you worry. how manipulative of me! but i want to cause you worry! *laugh!* after all, i am a woman. this is my vengeful little tactic to attract your attention.

oh no. no. no. i won't stop! i'll do it relentlessly! because you have caused me such worry too. you come, you go, you come, you go, you appear, you disappear, and then you appear with a gift. you make me think you've walked off and away, and then you help me when i most desperately need it. you keep me engaged in nothing else but your moves. it gives me a headache! nay, it gives me a heartache - i no longer have a head! you drive me insane! sometimes i am not sure, which one of us is the woman?

yes, i know you enjoy your games. you deprive me of your attention because you want me to seek you out. i understand the meaning of the glances you steal towards me. and i also know you know that when i am not looking, i am looking indeed. of course i am! how irritating, that you know this! i am looking at nothing but you, so i turn away from you, pretending you're not there. foolish me!

so. you see, i have learned the games from you. of course, i never quite master the play. of course, i always feel like i am losing, i cannot hold off any longer. of course, i know you also expect me to not give up.

so i don't give up. i weep, i weep, and i worry myself sick to draw your attention.

you see, my faith in you is no lesser than your hope in me that one day, i will come and find you. one day, through all barriers and resistances that surround you, i will come and find you. one day, removing the veils, having crossed over all chasms of this separation, i will come and find you. one day, through this web that you have spun to amuse you in your lonesome being, i will come and find you. one day, having sought you and lost and sought you and sought you, i will come and find you. one day, each step that you took towards me will bring me to you. that day, you shall have a friend, me, who does not desert, but only pretends to lose interest, sometimes due to envy for i feel you looking away, sometimes due to a weariness of unrequited love as i await this day!

this is how my heart is. i play games, but never does my attention desert the object of my love. how can it? my attention is sustained, as is the attention of anyone who loves. there is love in my being, and once i have felt this state, it does not desert me even if i wish to escape from it some time - never truly do i wish that anyway. i am blessed that i cannot now say "no" through folly.

not that i wished to, ever. for i know that the only purpose of my being is that day when i realize that there is no barrier, no resistance, no veil, no chasm, no separation, no web... and that you seek and i am sought. that it was always so that you came to me, while i was busy playing my games - disappointing you, perhaps, but never enough to make your hope in me end.

meanwhile, whenever you worry that i have turned away from you, i know it in my heart, and to be truthful, i worry too. at that while, i weep. perhaps to play a game, perhaps to be played by it. but certainly, always in the hope that you will look at me again, as you irresistibly do.